Some weeks you’re on your A Game, knocking it out of the park as a mom and a wife and an employee. And some weeks, you find yourself guzzling wine at 8:00pm thinking, “How did I get here? What’s happening with my life?”
In case your week looks more like the latter, please know you’re not alone. Today Heather and I present our list of the top ten parenting moments we’ve had this week. High on ridiculousness and humiliation, low on dignity. Here we go!
1. H: I apologized to my son’s teacher because my son’s homework binder is locked in his dad’s car. At the airport. For a week.
2. E: I was fat shamed by my vet after my golden retriever stepped on the scale and we learned that he weighs ninety nine pounds.
3. E: I fished my son’s retainer out of the trash. Please note that this is the fifth time I have done so since the retainer’s inception in 2014. Locating his lost retainer has really evolved into my hobby. It’s a hobby at which I am incredibly proficient, yet dislike very much.
4. H: I hosted an impromptu sleepover for my six-year-old son’s BFF on a Monday night. (His parents had a work emergency. But still!)
5. E: I spent three full hours, from 8:00pm to 11:00pm, searching my neighborhood for my “lost” kitten, literally trespassing in my neighbors’ yards and poking through their bushes with a high beam flashlight. The kitten turned up in the living room at 11:15pm, having apparently been inside the house in an undisclosed hiding place the entire time.
6. From Erin’s husband Matt: During Erin’s neighborhood-wide kitten search, I was forced to comb through our entire collection of children’s books to find every cat-themed book we own, then read all of them to our eight-year-old son and six-year-old daughter while they wept over the “lost” kitten.
7. H: I left work early to handle approximately seven hours of kid activities, including but not limited to: (i) a school sports assembly; (ii) an end of season teacher/student volleyball game; and (iii) an end of season volleyball banquet. We do a lot of volleyball around here. Inbox at work proceeded to explode.
8. H: I cleaned up the aftermath of my dog’s decision to eat an entire stuffed animal (and then immediately vomit back up the stuffed animal).
9. E: I spent an astonishing amount of time looking through this Lego bin (my husband and I affectionately refer to this as the “dead bin”):
to find this Lego Harry Potter wand:
I sometimes wonder if the Lego company is serious with this kind of thing. I love their products so much, but I suspect their designers laugh and laugh when they create things like Lego magic wands, because they know how utterly screwed parents will be when trying to hunt down said items.*
10. E: I apologized to a Trader Joe’s cashier after my baby attempted to shoplift a miniature pumpkin when I wasn’t looking.
E+H (+Erin’s husband Matt)
*Edited to add: I now have definitive proof that the Lego company is messing with us. Everyone, please meet this Lego figure, whose name is – hand to God – “Tiny Teenager”. I am too embarrassed to tell you how long my son and I just spent looking for Tiny Teenager in the abyss that is his Lego collection.