How’s your summer rolling along so far, my friends? Mine started out really well, but things took a sudden left turn last week and I can’t get the train back on the tracks. Since I professionally overshare on the internet these days, here’s a quick rundown on what’s happening at my house.
My daughter is 10 months old and cutting her two top teeth.
I forgot. I somehow forgot how much this utterly sucks. I think maybe teething is like childbirth, in that your brain plays a trick on you and causes you to lose your memory of the details. Does that sound right?
Because last night while I was up with the baby between midnight and 3:00 a.m., I felt really shocked by how hard it was to try and console her. She didn’t want to be put down in her crib, but she didn’t want to be picked up either. Every time I tried to cradle her in my arms and rock her, she’d do that baby move of straightening out her whole body and flinging herself backwards, so she’d be sort of arched across my lap, howling despondently. She didn’t want her pacifier, but she didn’t want to not have her pacifier either. She didn’t want her lovey blanket, but she got even more angry after she threw the lovey blanket to the floor for the 18th time and I failed to retrieve it.
I eventually gave her some infant Advil, which did approximately nothing for her as far as I can tell. At one point I tried to bring her into my bed to sleep next to me (a serious deviation from our standard policy!) and this resulted in her literally sitting up and applauding. She clapped for herself, with a big grin on her face, for about twenty minutes. Super cute, not super restful.
She finally fell back asleep sometime after 3:00 a.m., but not without protest.
I officially crown teething as “Most Poorly Designed Biological Process”.
OMG you guys. I live in Southern California where the drought has been a serious issue for years now. Well, shit just got even more real because the drought is now driving MONSTER BUGS into people’s houses looking for water.
Including my house. GAH.
I am not going to post the picture I snapped last week of one of these monsters because I don’t want to give you nightmares. But these things are GIGANTIC (think two inches long) and really freaking me out. Normally I don’t kill insects; I relocate spiders back outside, etc. Not these suckers. I stomp them as hard as I can – and then stomp them again for good measure – without an ounce of remorse.
My kids cannot handle the bugs at all, and are now insisting they wear shoes in the house at all times (including to bed) because of the outside chance they might step on one of these things.
Seriously, these bugs look like they’re going to grow up to destroy Tokyo like Mothra.
Pro tip: if you cry a little as you show the exterminator the picture of the monster bug, he will quickly agree to spray something very toxic and possibly not entirely legal all around the exterior of your house to kill them off or at least maim them.
- NO HOT WATER
Yesterday afternoon I suspected my hot water heater wasn’t working properly, and this morning it was confirmed. We have no hot water at all.
I have three very grimy children, and two of them will be even more grimy when they get home from summer camp today. It’s going to be pretty ripe around here if I can’t hose them down. (Also I am a super baby wimp about cold water so I haven’t managed to shower myself.)
Between this and the bugs, doesn’t my house sound amazing right about now?
- WIFI WENT DOWN
Let me be up front that I will be the first to die in the zombie apocalypse, because I cannot function without wifi. I go from disbelief to frustration to despondency in a very short space of time.
It is back up now (obviously, as I am posting this article to the series of tubes that is the internet), but if it goes down again I will cry. I will just cry.
There’s actually some other stuff going on in addition to this charming little list, but I have to stop now because someone is knocking on my door and please let it be the water heater repair person PLEASE THE HOUSE SMELLS LIKE DIRTY CHILDREN AND BUG SPRAY.